This is my personal testimony.
I was rather precocious as a child.
I can remember laying in the back window of our friends hatchback. Driving through the desert night. I would lie there and look up at the Milky Way and wonder if there was life out there. I thought about how far the universe stretched out. I wondered if it was round like a circle with no beginning and no end. I wondered where god lived and I thought "what if there is no god?"
My childhood was rather a sad affair. Though quite often touched by beauty. It was these moments that I clung to and made larger than life in my head. So I managed to escape a tragedy with minimal scarring.
One of the things I often clung to was church. The structure of the buildings fascinated me. The people were all so colorful and interesting. In my mind's eye all of this was placed on a pedestal. Something that I could sit and admire.
When I was very little my family did not attend a church on a regular basis. This was unacceptable to my Grandmother who decided that one sunday I should put on a dress and go with her to church.
Me: But I dont want to wear a dress! Why cant I wear pants? Grandma: Because God wants to see you look pretty for him. Me: Well can he see me now? Grandma: Of course God is everywhere. Me: Does he think I look ugly in pants? Grandma: Put on the dress or I wont take you to church. Me: O.K. I'll just stay home and ride my bike. Grandma: Put on the dress or I will spank you.
Grandma- 1
Cherokee-0
So now the dreaded dress is on and we are driving in Grandmas car to her church. The air is on and it is hot outside. I run my fingers over the vents. Me: Grandma? what makes the air cold? Grandma: I dont know you will have to ask your Grandpa. Me: I dont like this dress, its itchy. Grandma: you look so pretty. Me: do you think God will notice? Grandma: Lets have some quiet time and just enjoy the drive. I sit with my face smooshed up against the hot glass of the window and my hands on the cold vents enjoying the contrast.
So now we are at church and I have to be so quiet as a little mouse. So says Grandma. Me: how quiet is a mouse? Can I squeak now and then? If I'm going to be a mouse can I have some cheese? Grandma just shushes me.
Sitting on the hard pew. I'm rather bored with the whole procession. I stare at the stained glass windows. I look real hard to see if the color is in the glass or on the glass. Grandma pulls me back.
There are some boys up front and they have Wonder Bread. They start pulling out slices of bread.
Me: Grandma are they gonna make us sandwiches? Grandma: No. Honey we are going to accept the body of Christ. Me: What does that mean? Grandma: Just shhh.
They start tearing it up in little pieces. Me: Why are they tearing it up? Are they gonna put peanut butter on it? Grandma: No! Now just shhhhhh!
We are handed the gold plate and I watch Grandma take a piece and eat it. I take a piece and think "this has got to be some kind of joke." I squish it up in my hand and roll it into a little ball. Me: look what I did Grandma! Grandma: your not supposd to play with it. Me: Why not? Grandma: Because it's the body of Christ! Me: So when I squish it am I squishing Christ?
By this time everyone is staring at us and Grandma is red in the face. She waves me off with a hand and wont talk to me. The sermon begins and I grow bored (again).
My mind is racing with questions and idea's. None of which I can express while this dude is up front yackity yacking. I start flexing my butt cheeks and realize that I can go up and down. This is highly entertaining and I sit there going up (stay like that for a bit) Then relax and down I go. I look at Grandma and I smile. Grandma wipes her hand across her face. Up, Down, Up, Down, Up, Down...Grandma grabs my arm and whispers "stop it or I will spank you. I brought my wooden spoon." Me: But Grandma I'm wearing a dress.
Grandma-0
Cherokee-1
The sermon is over and we socialize in the foyer. Lots of strange people come up and shake my hand and pat me on the head. They smile and ask me to come back.
Driving back home Grandma tell's me how proud she is of me and what a good girl I was. Me: but you said you were gonna spank me. Doesnt that mean I was bad? Grandma: Well you just... Oh never mind. Me: Can we get some Ice Cream? Grandma: No. you were not good enough for that. Me: How good do I have to be to get ice cream? I pull the offending garment out for her to see. Me: I wore a dress! Grandma: all proper young ladies wear dresses. Me: What if I dont want to be proper? Grandma: (speechless)
Grandma-0
Cherokee-1
Me: Grandma are we going to church tomorrow? Grandma: No. It is just one day a week. Me: Does God get lonely sitting in that building all by himself? Grandma: No I dont think so. Me: Why not? Grandma: you sure do ask a lot of questions! I take this as a compliment and smile. Me: (going for some ice cream points) Grandma, I think we should go to church every day! Grandma: (smiling) thats my girl! Me: Can I have some ice cream now? Grandma: No. But next Sunday we can go after church. Me: Will I have to wear a dress? Grandma: Yes, of course. (the look on her face clearly says we have been through this before.) Me: Then I dont want any Ice Cream. Grandma shakes her head and drives us home. She never did take me to church with her again.
That was the extent of my church going as a little kid.
We moved a lot and one town we moved to had a church that would drive a big yellow bus around and pickn up the kids. My brother and I begged our mom to let us go. She spoke to the lady on the bus and told us we could go if we want. I was so excited. I thought this was going to be so cool. I remember the Sunday School teacher. She told us a story about Jesus feeding the people with loaves and fishes. I raised my hand and asked how such a thing could be possible. I remember the look of shock on her face and she turned to a lady near her and asked who I was. The lady responded that I was a church bus kid. The Sunday School teacher told me I had no business asking questions like that and to bring my parents next time and she would talk to them. I never got on that bus again.
There were other buses and one in particular invited us to an easter egg hunt. I was so excited. I put on my silk shirt and velvet jumper. I made sure I looked my best. Grandma's words still hung in my head. Now mind you this was easter in Arizona and it was HOT outside. I started sweating on the bus and my shirt was getting sweat stains and my velvet jumper started to wrinkle. This made me very grumpy. I tried my best to have a good time. We hunted egg's and I was sure I would win a prize. I didnt. This made me more grumpy. The little boy who collected the most egg's got a chocolate bunny, but it melted in the box. I smiled with satisfaction. As they were letting us off the bus, one of the ladies said remember Jesus loves you. I thought what the heck does Jesus have to do with eggs and chocolate bunnies? Then I remembered the bratty boy that won the melted chocolate bunny. I smiled at the lady and said "why yes he does!" She smiled real big having no idea that I was associating Jesus' love with revenge and melted chocolate.
When we got home we showed my mom the baskets and the eggs and all the candy. She asked if we had a good time and I said "yes mom, and you know what? Jesus showed his love for me by melting this boys chocolate bunny cause it should have been mine." My mom looked at me funny. Later that evening I heard my mom telling my dad that maybe they should be taking us to church on a regular basis.
A lot of years passed by and I recall my mom taking us from one church to another. We would attend for a while and then things would go back to normal.
We paid the occasional visit to my Grandparents and my Grandmother had a little brass ornamental bible that she kept on the coffee table. On one visit my brother and I were playing out in the hot AZ. sun and after a bit I came inside to cool off. I was sitting in my Grandmother's living room and I looked at the brass bible sitting on the coffee table. I picked it up and started studying it. Inside was the condensed version of the ten commandments. The rest of it was riveted shut. (Grandma is a Mormon)
The fourth commandment caught my eye. I read it. Read it again. Then I walked over to the calendar hanging on the wall. I counted of the days. Starting with Sunday. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7! I looked at the writing on the brass bible. I looked at the calendar. Something really cool happened. It was like the whole ceiling disappeard and I could see a being seated on a throne. Bright light emanating from him. I could see just his feet and the sandals he wore. I could see all the angels gathered around. It was like time had stopped.
When it was over I called to my Grandma in excited tones. She came rushing out of the kitchen and asked me what was wrong. I asked her how come we didnt go to church on Saturday. She looked momentarily disgusted and asked "has your step-dad been talking to you?" I was bewildered by this and said no. Then she turned around and went back into the kitchen. I put the bible back on the table and went to get a glass of water. (I was clearly suffering from heat exhaustion and the "vision" that I thought I had seen was actually a long forgotten picture that I used to stare at in my Grandmothers book of mormon. Read Richard Dawkins "God Delusion" and you will understand better how the mind works.)
When we moved to Lindsay Ca. My step-dad found a local SDA Church and we started attending that. I was all dolled up in my cream monochrome print silk dress that my step-grandmother had purchased for me when she took me on a three day shopping spree in Orange County. I had matching cream shoes and silk stockings. My hair was done to perfection and I was reading a Cosmo magazine in the back seat. I was very blase about the whole thing. My mom was all anxious and snapping at us. I recall tossing the Cosmo in the back seat and thinking well its not like this is going to last.
The Sabbath school teacher was a nice lady. I was a teenager and had all the usual teenage hang ups. I sat very still in class and fought the urge to flex my butt cheeks. :) Mrs. Aitchison was very encouraging of questions and once I was sure that she was not like the psycho sunday school teacher I relaxed and started participating and asking questions. She looked at Mrs. Leoffler with a sparkle in her eye and said "looks like we have a bible scholar." I was sold.
We continued to attend the church. One Sabbath my family met in a little room and I was told by my parents that I was going to be baptized. I was pissed. This was the typical way my step-dad ran the household and we had to fall in line. I just sat there glaring at Pastor Sundahl. He had a very kind face. This made me feel bad. He looked at my step-dad and asked if he had told me I was going to be baptized. My step-dad gave me one of his looks and I was like I'll be damned if I'm gonna cower on this point. The pastor will save me if he tries to hit me. I glared at my step-dad. Finally Pastor Sundahl said "Cherokee, do you want to be baptized?" I felt sorry for him, shot one more disgusted look at my step-dad. I turned my full attention to the pastor. Smiled real big and said "Yes, I do." In my mind I was thinking I have no idea what this is all about.
Afterwards there was a Potluck and Pastor Sundahl introduced us to the church as "offical members". Everyone smiled and shook our hands. One lady kissed me on the cheek and told me how happy she was. My friend Tracy was excited for me. She could tell that I didnt look all that stoked and asked me what was wrong. I told her that I would have been more enthused if I had known what it was all about. She looked shocked and said that they were supposed to have taught us all about it in a baptismal class. I shrugged my shoulders and let it go.
So now we had a church family and lots of stuff to do. I really had a good time with everyone and if it wasnt for all the misery that was going on at home, I think I would have adjusted better and made more friends. As it was, I was pretty mean to alot of the kids around me.
Life began to happen at a faster rate and bible class at the private school I went to was a normal part of life. I really liked that we were encouraged to ask questions. Our teacher would invite the elders from other denominations to our class. They would have the opportunity to share their view points with us. I was really proud that our class could out debate all of the guest speakers that our teacher invited to our class. Our teacher taught us that if it is true it will hold up to scrutiny. I dont think he realized that he had opened the door of Skeptical thinking to me and that I would turn that line of inquiry not just to those faiths outside our own but also to the very faith that I was so rudely thrown into.
Thus ends chapter one in which Cherokee is just one inquisitive little punk. :)
Now I'm at Monterey Bay Acadamey. We have our own private beach. Church is just something you do. It isnt questioned or overly thought about. I see church people playing their favorites. I see pettiness and malcontent. I see snobs and snots. The have's and the have not's. I see people running around trying to keep the kids from being "un-Godly". I see so much that is small and petty. I gravitate away from as many of these people as I can.
It is decided that by my parents that I am having too much fun at MBA and so they send me to Armona Union Acadamey. This is where I meet some of the funniest and cool people. This is also where we have the critical thinking bible class teacher.
Now I'm at Pacific Union College. Same shite different campus. All the same people just older. I start thinking about religion and the bible. I see the way the Christians behave and treat each other. I am so unimpressed. In fact I am down right disgusted. I rebell and go off on my own tangent.
I still thought that there was something special about me because of the "vision" I had had and I one day resolved to read the whole bible through. I did. I really didnt get anything out of it.
Many, many years have gone by now. I was married to someone I really loved. He wrote me poetry and we bought a small house together. We would have dinner parties and invite friends over. It was all very social and I was having a good time. I didnt realize it then but I was acting out in some ways to the negative side of my husband. He would push me away and I would try harder to get close. Then I would give up and distance myself from him and he would exert himself and pull me back. Then when I felt safe and secure in him he would push me away. It was all very confusing. To try and find some kind of balance I started attending a college home church on campus. I met some nice people.
I didnt see the classic signs of depression in him. I didnt know what depression was. We bought motorcycles and went on trips. One trip we went to Oregon to visit friends of ours. I had such a good time. When we got home he announced that he had been really unhappy for a long time and that he wanted a divorce. I was devestated. I asked if we could get marital counseling. He smiled smugly and said as long as he got a divorce out of it we could do whatever I wanted. I kept the motorcycle and gave him everything except my personal belongings and left.
I felt sad, alone and adrift. All the love that had been so lacking in my childhood , I felt had been made up in my relationship with my husband. Now that was gone. I once more felt like that small miserable child that was often shuffled impatiently from place to place. Made to feel second best and often informed that I was not as loved as my younger siblings.
I recall being dragged out of a deep sleep at 1am. To be rudely man handled to the kitchen table, forcefully seated to listen to some long winded lecture by my step-dad. This could last an hour and I eventually learned that if I cried the lecture would stop and I could go back to bed.
So sometimes now when I talk to people if they use that same tone that my step-dad often used, I will tear up. It is just a nervous response to years of that kind of treatment.
Before my divorce was final I met the father of my children. He was very handsome. Big blue eyes, high cheekbones, strong jaw. He was muscular and had a six pack. Sandy blond hair and could throw me over his shoulder and smack my backside. I thought this was too cool. Still being super naive I did not see the warning signs of controlling behavior and alcoholism in him.
By the time we were living together and I was pregnant with our son. I knew I was in trouble and needed to get out. I ran to my mom and because of the dysfunctionality of her relationships didnt see anything wrong and told me to grow up and go back to him. I talked to my Aunt Betty. She was our dear neighbor and friend who became the Aunt I always wanted. She was more concerned and gave me some good advice. So the father came to pick me up and I told him I would not be going back home to him. He played nice and told me that he had thought about it long and hard and was willing to give it a try. I should not have settled for that but I did.
On the way back to our house I was excitedly talking about the future and how great everything was going to be. He looked at me and said "I didnt say I would, I said I would try. Its up to you if this works or not." I was floored. I asked him what he meant. He said that if he didnt like my behavior he would kick me to the curb and take our child away from me. This began the long road of fear that was a constant companion to me.
I turned to church for help. I didnt get any. I said screw them, they are only people. I will find God myself. I got involved with the local SDA church that was just a quick walk from our place. The pastor was very scholarly and I enjoyed the sermons as it felt like I was really learning something. I did my best to be a godly wife and raised my kids to love Jesus. I felt sure that if I prayed to him and read his word that my life would get better and that he would send a healing down on me and my family.
My sister in law and her husband attended the same church as me. I made them a silver and gold wedding cake when they got married and did everything I could to encourage and support them. Jen's husband was a maniacal zealot and it slowly dawned on me that he really was no good. Not that I was in a better position than her but at least I wasnt having the word of god screamed in my face.
Several years passed and we moved to KY. My sister in law and her family moved to Missouri. We went to visit them one year and my niece told me that her step dad was molesting her. I was furious. My husband and I had found one of those rare mellow points in our relationship and I immediatly told him what was going on. The sherrif was notified and the step-dad was thrown in jail. I was dismayed at the way my sister in law treated the girls. The girls would hug on me and cling to me. The littlest one insisted that I sit in the bathroom with her while she bathed because she was afraid to be alone. I could hear her mother hovering outside the door. I firmly pushed it shut and ran the tap water in the sink. The little one looked relieved and told me a lot of what had been going on in that house.
I testified against them in court and the prosectuing attorney used what I had to say to put him away. The social worker told me that my testimony made the case. Jen eventually had her kids taken away from her. She was so hung up on religous fanatasicm that she could not see what was happening to her children.
After a year had gone by, I started attending church regularly again and made a new church family. Some of the things that Roy and Jen had said to us while we were visiting them still stuck in my head. I felt pretty raw about the whole thing. My husbands family were jerks to me and my sister in law hated me. So to make it better I set out to do what I do best. I was gonna prove them wrong.
I got a hebrew and greek lexicon. Picked up several bible commentaries and took my bible and started researching the living daylights out of Proverbs chapter 8 and various other texts. What I found was so astonishing that I told some friends of mine about it. We put together a bible study group and really went for it. By this time I could quote entire passages by heart and learned so much that I would have dreams about being in a library eating books. Eating till I was so stuffed I wanted to throw up. I recall one such dream where I put my hand over my mouth and forced it to stay in. This was towards the end of my study journey and it was a solid 4 years before I could just sit and read a book for pleasure.
I eventually got over the belief that the God I had been taught about was real. I still believed in something, I just wasnt sure what it was. I stumbled across Richard Dawkins book and read it through. I then read Dan Barkers book and I felt that he summed up my own personal experience the best.
I dont believe in God. Not because someone was mean to me at church. There were plenty of those people. I could shrug them off. I knew what was important. I didnt stop believing because what I read by Richard Dawkins or Dan Barker. They only confirmed what I had suspected all along.
Read this article: http://news.discovery.com/history/god-wife-yahweh-asherah-110318.html
Then read Proverbs 8
Then read this:
HORUS:
Horus was born on December 25th
Born of the virgin
His birth was accompanied by a star in the east
Three kings followed to locate and adorn the new-born savior
At the age of 12, he was a prodigal child teacher
And at the age of 30, he was baptized and thus began his ministry
Horus had 12 disciples
Performed miracles such as healing the sick and walking on water
Horus was known by many gestural names such as The Truth, The Light, God's Anointed Son, The Good Shepherd, The Lamb of God, After being betrayed by Typhon,
Horus was crucified,
Buried for 3 days and
Thus, resurrected.
ATTIS:
Born of the virgin
On December 25th,
Crucified,
Placed in a tomb
And after 3 days, was resurrected.
KRISHNA:
Born of the virgin
With a star in the east signaling his coming
Performed miracles with his disciples
And upon his death was resurrected.
DIONYSUS
born of a virgin on December 25th
was a traveling teacher
who performed miracles such as turning water into wine
he was referred to as the "King of Kings," "God's Only Begotten Son," "The Alpha and Omega," and many others
and upon his death, he was resurrected.
This only scratches the surface of everything I learned. If you ever want to know you are welcome to ask me yourself.
Here is a good youtube video on the 12 disciples. http://youtu.be/zM9hlelbSdA
Comments are welcome just keep it polite! :)
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